Girling

Starting this month, Girling will feature a guest author on the last Friday of the month. For February, our guest author is Lauren Fishman- a trader with Goldman Sachs and Stanford University alumnus. Lauren is a strong woman who has used her skills and experiences to advocate for women in the male-dominated finance space. She is also a funny and compassionate friend.

Growing up, my mom was my role model. She drove me back and forth between school, soccer and tennis lessons, after-school dance classes, and endless play dates and birthday parties- all the things my now-coworkers complain about every Friday. She was always the first parent at pick-up, waving at my brother and me as we ran up from recess. And from what I’d seen from my other friends, many of their moms did the same.

I have a vivid memory from middle school of asking my best friend what she wanted to be when she grew up. She didn’t even blink when she said “housewife.” We looked at each other like they were crazy. “Housewife?” I remember thinking. Why not astronaut, pilot, author, or engineer? I didn’t even realize what a hypocrite I was, since I had also decided as a kid that I would stop working to take care of my future kids – just like my mom. It honestly wasn’t even much of a decision; it just seemed to be how the world operated, and fifth grade me was okay with that.

As I got older, I discovered how much I loved being independent. I babysat most weekends and got a summer job to pay for outings with friends. That housewife gig didn’t seem as appealing anymore, especially since I hated feeling reliant on others. There was something special about earning what you had, and it made whatever I spent that much more meaningful. But there was one problem: if my future husband didn’t stop working, and I didn’t stop working, and we didn’t live near our parents, and we didn’t want a live-in nanny…what would happen to our kids? Looking back, I find it funny that I was so worried about this as a child. But that’s an interesting thing too, since I’m pretty sure this never once crossed my male friends’ minds.

If a woman decides to stop working to raise her kids, she is praised as a mother but judged as a professional. The reverse is true if a woman doesn’t stop working. You’re either devoted and unaccomplished or selfish and ambitious. What’s crazy though is that men don’t really face this kind of scrutiny. It’s always been expected for men to work, so there isn’t really a crossroads to face (at least with parents in a heterosexual relationship).

All this is to say: merely making that choice to sacrifice something makes you strong, and either choice is feminist. It’s not easy to give up a career that maybe you went to college for or in which you worked for years to earn your title so you can raise your kids. 

As a parent, you’re literally tasked with raising a whole human from start to end, making sure they stay alive and healthy, and instilling values that will make them productive members of society. That’s probably the hardest job out there, and it’s easily the most important. You’re also feminist if you choose to work. You’re not a bad parent for sending your kids to after-school care, and you’re certainly not selfish. You’re providing for your family in the best way you can and working to give your kids the best chance at success themselves. And after all that, you’ll still come home and take care of your kids too.

Now that I’m working and getting closer to the age when I’ll decide what to do about all this myself, I ironically feel less sure than I did as a child. I don’t particularly want to give up my career, but I also don’t want my kids to be raised by someone else. All I know for certain is that choosing to be a mother is feminist in itself, and however you go about your life after that is feminist, too.

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