Girling

*Disclaimer: this post speaks specifically toward messaging for binary men/women regarding heterosexual marriage

As of January, I am officially past the halfway mark of my twenties, which is often met by a few different courses of action: quarter-life crisis (think backpacking around Europe), grad school (a universal salve for the malaise of early-adulthood), or marriage. Recently I was talking with a friend of mine who is much closer to getting married than I am and realized that there is a stark dichotomy in how we, as a society, discuss heteronormative marriage by binary gender. 

Translation: we talk about marriage differently with boys and girls.

For example, as a woman, I have been repeatedly told either directly or indirectly that my wedding will be the best, happiest, most important day of my life. That, as a bride, it will be my day. Which is ludicrous. Marriage is the legal (and sometimes religious) embodiment of a partnership, the start of a shared life together, a celebration of successful and encompassing love. It is absolutely wild to me to suggest that a shared custom could be reduced to simply The Bride’s Day. 

Beyond that, I cannot imagine, as a 21st-century woman with a career and education and goals beyond being a wife, that my wedding and marriage would be the greatest most important event of my life. Some of my life goals include creating a meaningful career, building a sustainable financial life for myself and my family, and seeing the world. I don’t need to be married for any of that. Even if you’re not a career-minded person, I have a hard time thinking of a goal, beyond simply the goal of being married, that requires getting married at all. In the past, perhaps, marriage was a necessary step toward goals like having a family or owning property, but not today. 

It’s also a massive amount of pressure to put on a single occasion

The hard truth is that marriages end. A lot. It’s difficult to think of something that could be wiped away with a piece of paper and a trip to the court house as the most important thing you’ll do with your life. It’s cute to say that this starting of a new life with your chosen partner is the greatest thing you ever have and ever will do. But, when you think about the meaning of those words, the sentiment quickly diminishes to ridiculousness. Not only does it not make any sense, but it’s also a massive amount of pressure to put on a single occasion, a single day, a single person. 

Side note: this reminds me of a fun double standard for brides-to-be. You must dutifully plan and coordinate the most important day of your life (which, naturally, I’m sure you have been planning since before puberty) while having no negative manifestations of stress. If God-forbid you do happen to crack under the pressure of having a wedding, prepare to be elevated to mythologically apocalyptic proportions as an official Bridezilla.

And, of course, generally joyful words such as happiest and greatest are only applied to the woman’s perspective of the occasion.

Men receive a much less optimistic take. 

Men are told that, as husbands, they will be the Man of the House, the expectant sole breadwinner and will be responsible for taking care of their wife and forthcoming family. Which all sounds so much less fun.

Instead of focusing on how wonderful and exciting and happy their marriage will be, often the message for men is that they are inheriting the burden of caring for their wife from her father. Of course this, like the majority of messaging around marriage, is a relic of traditional marriages rooted in patriarchy, misogyny, and servitude which more contemporary marriages have tried to veer away from. However, the bottom line remains- marriage is not painted as a fun and exciting event for men, but rather it is simply another responsibility for them to shoulder. 

Marriage is not painted as a fun and exciting event for men

Deep in the aforementioned conversation with my friend, we came to a conclusion about why men drag their feet when it comes to proposing- maybe it’s in part due to the fact that men are told marriage will be the End Of Their Lives. With so many (so many that it’s cliched) jokes about wives being the “ol’ ball and chain” or bachelor parties being a man’s “last night of freedom,” it’s perfectly reasonable to think marriage does not sound as fun to a man as it does to a woman. When one side of the equation is being told that marriage is a dream and the other side is being told that marriage is a nightmare, there is bound to be a disconnect. 

Like I mentioned, these antiquated views on marriage are rooted in traditions that have long ago come and gone. However, old habits die hard and I expect it will be a long time before messaging around marriage is fully gender-neutral and focused on the mutual love, respect, and partnership that underscores what is, undoubtedly, an important milestone. 

I mean, it’s supposed to be fun, right?

My hope for the immediate future is that we cut everyone a little slack and not take this thing so seriously. I mean, it’s supposed to be fun, right? Weddings are expensive and often involve seeing people (family) that cause you stress on a regular day, let alone on your wedding day. Why add additional pressures of The Most Important Day of Your Life or Kissing Your Freedom Goodbye? Why trick each other into putting an undue burden on ourselves to make this “once in a lifetime” milestone perfect when, in reality, many of us will actually get married more than once? Why put so much pressure on men to pop the question when they have been told their whole lives that doing so will essentially rob them of joy for the rest of their days?

In line with the “Raise Boys and Girls the Same Way” school of thought, I think the gendered messaging around marriage will shift bit by bit with each generation. But, for now, maybe all we can do is cut the Bridezillas and perpetual bachelors some slack. They’re fighting an uphill battle. 

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