Girling

No one likes a mad woman (you made her like that)

It’s no secret among folks who discuss gender differences that women* operate under their own set of societal rules. And, more often than not, these “rules” are so paradoxical they’re impossible to follow. If you’re reading this blog, you’re probably familiar with more than a few examples.

Today, I’m thinking about how women are simultaneously victimized and told not to “play the victim.”

Women are regularly exposed to societal norms that manifest in shame, ostracism, and old school name calling. Of course, violence against women and the complacency around it comes out of these same societal norms as well, but that’s a topic for another post. 

Women face shame for just about anything from how they raise their children to how many sexual partners they have – not to mention the hypocrisy mothers face regarding if/how/when they decide to breastfeed. Society also tends to ostracize women who go against the grain. I mean, how many movies are there about women who don’t quite fit in watching life go by from the sidelines? (I’m thinking Practical Magic, The Little Mermaid, any of the many iterations of Cinderella)

And, of course, if all else fails, we get called names. I’m a bitch; I’m bossy; I’m aggressive; I’m whiny; I’m annoying; I’m ungrateful; I’m a slut; I’m a prude; I’m a pick-me; I’m loud; I’m too girly; I’m too feminist. 

There’s this…idea that it’s okay to attack a woman [and] a competing notion that women should stop “playing the victim.”

There’s this weird sense of entitlement to women’s bodies and actions, this idea that it’s okay to attack a woman physically, mentally, socially with impunity – to make her a victim. There’s also a competing notion that women should stop “playing the victim.”

When women say something was hurtful, they are told they’re crazy or the offending incident was simply a “joke.” They’re accused of being dramatic and receive further backlash for standing up for themselves. It’s pretty wild to me that, with so much evidence of their victimization, women are further “punished” for calling it out. Although, gaslighting a woman into thinking she’s not being hurt is another way of hurting her so maybe it’s not that wild after all. 

Women are not expected to push back. When they do, it’s a supremely feminist action. 

Pushing against the socially-accepted practice of treating women poorly with impunity is pure feminism. Taylor Swift, for example, does this all the time. 

Taylor Swift has a reputation for calling people out when they make her feel bad, whether that person is another celebrity, a coworker, a romantic interest, or a friend. If she feels that someone did her wrong, she will make sure that they know. And, regardless of if you agree with her opinions or how she addresses them, her feelings are valid. She feels them and  pushes back. 

Her decision to not let people get away with treating her in a way she doesn’t approve of speaks to her powerful and defiant feminism. As a woman who has been in the public eye for the majority of her life, she knows that she will receive backlash for pushing against things she feels are unjust, but does it anyway. In a particularly meta twist of fate, she receives hate specifically for her habit of doing this (hello, “Look What You Made Me Do!”). 

Nonetheless, she doubles down on it, because there is no reason a woman should sit down, shut up, and accept what she knows is not right.

Nonetheless, she doubles down on it, because there is no reason a woman should sit down, shut up, and accept what she knows is not right. Taylor Swift’s uncompromising commitment to standing up for herself sets her apart as a role model for rejecting maltreatment. I think we’re seeing this kind of feminist action from celebrities more and more (Looking at you, Chappell Roan). They, like us regular folk, receive backlash, but they, like us regular folk, must insist on continuously pushing against the hate. 

I think about the activists that came before us and the unfavorable responses they received to things like voting or using birth control or working or even wearing pants. Perhaps one day the history books will describe present-day feminist actions as favorably as they do the actions of the first and second wave feminist movements.

But for now, we must bravely and relentlessly swim against the current of double standards and societal hostility. No one likes a mad woman, but our only hope for changing discriminatory norms is to get and stay mad. 

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*Protected classes of people all experience discrimination differently. As a cisgendered woman, I cannot speak to the lived experiences of trans folk, although they also experience misogyny in addition to transphobia and other types of hate. 

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