Girling

It’s me, hi. I’m the problem.

Recently, I was talking with a friend of mine, and he called me out on something I hadn’t really considered before. He said I sounded like a man-hater (gasp). Me? No. That’s an antifeminist stereotype, you dumb boy.

I now think I might be part of the problem here. I have long made jokes about boys being “dumb” or “useless” and not one of my female friends has called me out on it. To be honest, men haven’t really called me out on it either, probably for fear of sounding antifeminist. But is it really fair of me to stereotype men as incompetent Neanderthals? Not really.

Once again, I blame The Patriarchy.

I was speaking to a trusted Adult Woman Advisor the other day about this, and she suggested that men lack, to some degree, a genetic component of sensitivity due to having one X chromosome rather than two, like women have. That might be true, I’m not a geneticist. But I tend to lean more on The Patriarchy (more specifically, toxic masculinity) as the culprit.

Toxic masculinity is the concept of when the social performance of masculinity is negatively disruptive in some way. Think: basically anytime anyone has used the phrase “be a man.” The western performance of masculinity paints a picture of a Real Man as tough, unemotional, and independent, although being exclusively those things is antithetical to being human. Human beings are vulnerable, emotional, and inherently dependent. Like seriously- every alien movie ever has literally called us Jelly Sacks; our natural risk mitigation system (Fight or Flight) lends itself to an emotional response; and human babies are some of the longest-dependent mammals on the planet. Why are we telling ourselves that half (let’s pretend there’s a gender binary for the sake of keeping the article short) of the population is somehow superhuman?

Toxic masculinity convinces our social consciousness that men should be tough and unemotional and independent, so when Real Human Men are not always those things, it causes a sort of cognitive dissonance. Take me for example. I have studied gender for almost eight years now and am dedicating my life to advocating for gender and sexual equality. And yet, when a man performs his expected tough and unemotional role, I say he’s stupid. My boyfriend doesn’t realize that I’m upset even though I said, “I’m fine.” What an emotional idiot he must be! Or, when a man performs his expected independent role, I say he’s useless. My co-worker took on more work than he could manage and now he’s falling behind. How useless! These thoughts are in direct opposition to the gender equity and universal compassion I write about.

I’m glad I was called out on this behavior. It isn’t fair to protest female stereotypes while embracing and propagating male stereotypes. No one deserves to be pigeon-holed by archaic notions of gender norms. I shouldn’t hold it against men that they were raised in a society that promotes tough, unemotional, independent men, just like you shouldn’t hold it against women that they were raised in a society that promotes dainty and sensitive women.

We’re all doing our best to live in a way that aligns with our personal values and sometimes that lifestyle competes with our implicit biases. The good news is that your thoughts, words, and actions are not set in stone. We can all try to be a little more compassionate and patient with one another. Tell a friend if they say something that makes you feel bad. Correct yourself when you find yourself falling into old habits.

Thank you to the friends who keep me accountable. I promise to work to change my bad habits. Maybe my Adult Woman Advisor was right and there is a genetic component to it, but personally, I’m going to approach it the human way- with vulnerability, emotion, and dependence.  

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