Girling

This may be the extent of my business vocabulary, FYI

There are so many rules around social norms and expectations and so many of them are unspoken. How does everyone keep track of them? Does anyone think to question them? Why is it expected that the man pays for a hetero date? Or that he has to make the first move or initiate a kiss?

Why do we insist on transactional relationships?

I’ve seen feminist articles about men paying for a date as a proxy for paying the woman for sex, which is overtly transactional, but is it not also transactional for women to ask men to do things around the house? If the underlying thought is that the man does housework in exchange for the woman’s affections? Do we subscribe to the same transactional nature in friendships?

Are we contributing to an intimacy 401(k) when we spend time with our friends? The idea being that if we go to the movies and grab drinks and go to birthday parties, they will owe us when we need more intimate support during times of grief or heartbreak?

Is it a negative thing for relationships to be transactional if the transaction yields a high return on investment? Is there a way around transactional reciprocation in relationships? Or is this just how it always has and always will work?

I don’t have the answers. This week’s post doesn’t even really come with a concluding thought. All I know is that sometimes when I’m with my friends, I have an intrusive thought about whether I’m spending time with them just so they will be there for me when I need them. And I know that sometimes when I’m on a date and the guy pays, I have a lingering fear that he’ll expect me to sleep with him after. But I also know that I want to hang out with my friends in the good times and the bad times because I care about them. And I know that I want a man who wants to treat me to dinner sometimes or help me around the house because I want to make him feel special and supported too.

The evolutionary biologist in me says that the ability to create and maintain transactional relationships is something that has contributed to the continued existence of the human species. Maybe relationships are, therefore, just simply transactional by nature. But maybe that’s not a negative thing or a product of rampant capitalism or a symptom of the human ego. Other species conduct social business this way and nature is morally agnostic, so maybe there’s no need to judge and question why things work the way they do. Maybe the only conclusion I can offer here is to treat people kindly, fairly, and respectfully no matter what you get in return.

---

Like what you see? Share with friends and make sure to follow!