Girling

Ah, the double standard of living your life.

Maybe it’s not all that surprising to people reading my blog, but I love writing. It’s something I do professionally, for fun, and just to relax. It helps me get my thoughts out of my head to either move me toward my goals or just to stop having so many damn thoughts in my head. Despite all this, however, over the last couple of months, it was really hard for me to make time to write new articles for Girling.

This is my passion project and, while I’m not any less passionate about the subject matter, I have found it difficult to stick to my plan and accomplish the goals I set for myself. And I’ve been pretty hard on myself about it. People would mention the blog to me and I would feel shame – what’s wrong with me that I haven’t been writing?? Is it really that hard to make time for it? This is what you wanted, Noelle! It all got me thinking about how we put so much pressure on women to do everything all the time, and then wonder in think pieces and political commentary – can women really have it all?

Women are expected to work; and also take care of children and family members; and also tend to domestic duties; and also to be healthy and take care of themselves; and also take care of their partners; and also have interests outside of all of these other responsibilities. It’s exhausting. How can anyone do it all? Does anyone do it all? I don’t think they do. We’re told (both by society and internally) that we should be doing all these things and then hate ourselves (or others) when we can’t live up to the impossible standards we (and society) have set for ourselves. The sexism behind the fallacy of “having it all” creates an internal pressure for women that drives us mad at the idea of falling short of some imaginary finish line. We even project this internalized sexism on other women whom we perceive as also falling short of the imaginary finish line. It’s absurd. 

What was I doing instead of writing? I was really busy at work. I started a new romantic relationship. I turned twenty-five. I had many friends visit me from out of town. I celebrated the holidays and my sister announced she’s having her first baby. All the while, I was still cleaning my home and going grocery shopping and checking in on grandparents and trying to keep myself mentally and physically healthy. By no means was I actually being lazy or failing in some way, I just felt like I was.

And I know I’m not the only one who feels this. I came across a post about this years ago online that I think about often. The post explained a theory on the impossibility of having it all that says each aspect of your life is a ball, some balls are glass and some are plastic. Your job is to juggle all of them and decide when and which balls you can drop. The last couple of months, unfortunately, my blog has been a plastic ball. I chose to let it fall so that I could keep the glass balls, like my interpersonal relationships, in the air. We all have to make those decisions sometimes, and we shouldn’t get down on ourselves when we do. Choosing which balls to drop does not keep us from the illustrious “having it all.” If anything, it allows us the capacity to keep it all.  

I’ve approached Girling with a new vigor after my brief hiatus. I’ve been able to plan out what I want the blog to look like and new elements I can incorporate to expand my vision. I’m excited about what I’m writing, and I don’t feel like I have to give anything up to do it now. 

“Having it all” is a trope which is only ever applied to women and it’s used exclusively as a weapon to convince us that we cannot do everything we want. Men, however, are never asked how they can have it all (and of course, the NB/trans communities have their own sets of tropes to contest). 

“Having it all” is just a pane in the glass ceiling. If we are to truly break through that ceiling, we must disengage ourselves from the trap of thinking we cannot have it all or that if we drop a plastic ball, we are somehow less than. Our weaknesses grow in isolation, so I’m here to show that I have dropped the plastic ball of this blog but I’m picking it back up now. And my friends, they’ve dropped plastic balls too and they are no less successful for it either. We’re all in this together. 

Everyone is dropping plastic balls all the time; it comes with having it all. 

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