Girling

Rejection and a philosophical quandary? Sign me up.

In what I’m told is a universal experience, my first heartbreak sucked. The relationship ended so abruptly that I felt like my world went from relative certainty and excitement for the future to confusion and embarrassment overnight. I felt lost at sea. I was filled with self-doubt and couldn’t remember who I was before the relationship. I was so consumed by the whole experience that things I wanted for myself were put on hold, if not thrown out altogether. In short: it sucked. 

Beyond the emotional challenges that come with heartbreak, I felt myself considering the whole event in context of my feminism. Coming out of a heterosexual relationship, was I? Lost? Without a man? Was I spiraling because I was single? Should I be unfazed? Is heartbreak anti-feminist??

With heartbreak, it feels like every aspect of your life is under a microscope.

In a cliched bit of social commentary- we live in a pretty polarized world. A lot of times it feels like your values must be absolute and unwavering regardless of circumstance, or else risk being accused of hypocrisy. I think that’s something that makes feminism feel out of reach for a lot of folks. It’s easy to feel like you don’t really belong to the feminist movement when there are moments when you don’t feel very empowered yourself. 

With heartbreak, it feels like every aspect of your life is under a microscope. You begin questioning your judgment, your actions, your thoughts, your beliefs. Suddenly, you don’t know yourself at all and it seems like whoever you are must have come from your partner, a position ostensibly at odds with feminism. However, I don’t think we need to judge ourselves by absolutisms. In fact, I think to do so ignores the complexity and nuance of humanity. Things are never black-and-white, so why are you trying to force yourself into one side or another?

It falls on you to advocate for your own equality.

Heartbreak can bring you to a place of self-doubt, but your values are the core of who you are. The power behind feminism is that the ideology is founded on the idea that everyone is strong and capable. When you’re down, it falls on you to advocate for your own equality.

I had to put in work to find myself again after that relationship ended. In the aftermath, I found that I was forced to spend time with myself in a way that I hadn’t had to before. Not only was I acutely aware of my loneliness, but I also felt so isolated in my emotions that I really had to self-soothe. Over time, I started doing more things that made me happy. I became more selective with my friends and cultivated a group of people who genuinely love and care about me. I reached a place where my perfect day revolved around activities that brought me joy-  regardless of whom, if anyone, I did those things with. I was (and still am) happy with just me. I found that I am enough. 

After feeling lost at sea, I found my way out of the undertow. I was drowning, but never sunk. 

There’s something universally feminist about having to save yourself.

So is heartbreak anti-feminist? I don’t think it has to be. I think, like most situations, it depends on how you look at it. In the moment, you might only be able to see it from the bottom of the hole, from which vantage point it can be difficult to see the benefits of heartbreak. But, through the act of pulling yourself up, you’re building the strength that feminism necessitates. And, looking back at what you accomplished, the experience can seem very feminist. 

There’s something universally feminist about having to save yourself. This article won’t make you any less hurt, nor will it make heartbreak suck any less, but you don’t need to worry about your emotions compromising your feminist beliefs. They don’t disappear when you’re going through it. They might have to take a backseat to your immediate emotional needs, but as the negative feelings subside, I promise the feminism will still be there. 

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Special thanks to TJ Campana.