Girling

Were we onto something with girls-only pillow forts?

When I was at university, I took a class on parenting around the world. It was the kind of class where we watched documentaries on chimpanzee mothers, examined practices of infanticide, the roles of midwives and doulas, and menstruation huts. It felt very far removed from my day-to-day life in downtown Los Angeles. 

One thing that did stick with me from this class, however, was the concept of gendered spaces. The idea was that, in remote villages (the examples in this class were always in remote villages), there were private spaces for men and for women. At the time, I racked my brain to think of western examples but couldn’t think of any. Sure, there’s a well-established divide between things that are generally associated with men vs women, but nothing that felt really private. 

It wasn’t until a few years later when I found myself in a private space for women.

I was at my sister’s engagement party when one of her friends dipped into a side bedroom to pump. The other women at the party sat on the bed with her and her young son as she pumped for the infant she had left at home with her mother. We chatted and laughed until she had finished and then returned to the party, but it was during this time that I realized I had unknowingly walked into a private gendered space. 

Adult men were not socially allowed to keep our friend company with us while she breastfed. Even her husband would’ve felt out of place. The space was exclusive for women and children. 

I noticed this same phenomenon at a dinner I attended with a few adult female colleagues and one adult male colleague. The conversation somehow drifted to pregnancy and breastfeeding and the one man at the table became noticeably quiet. Granted, how much could he really contribute to that kind of conversation, but he seemed uncomfortable even engaging or asking questions. Meanwhile, the women were free to laugh and joke and share in the common experience of womanhood. 

These are the private gendered spaces for western women. 

My question, then, is this: are the benefits of private gendered spaces greater than the potential disadvantages? If men were more privy to the experiences of women regarding pregnancy, childbirth, and childrearing, would they be more inclined to advocate for things like paid maternity leave and breastfeeding accommodations in public spaces? I can’t necessarily speak to the private gendered spaces for western men, but I’m sure they exist. Are there aspects of western male life that women don’t understand or appreciate because we are excluded from their private gendered spaces?

On the other hand, there is something to be said for the importance of safe spaces. It could be disadvantageous for women to be robbed of privacy while breastfeeding. Personally, I could imagine myself being offended by a cisgendered man participating in a conversation on menstruating because it could so quickly devolve into mansplaining. 

Of course, these questions apply to private spaces for genders outside the binary and across the LGBTQ+ spectrum. And with that particularly vulnerable population, these questions potentially hold even more weight. 

There’s a certain level of magic present in exclusively female spaces.

Like so many of these posts, I’ll wrap up by saying that I don’t have the answers. There’s a certain level  of magic present in exclusively female spaces. When I find myself in a private gendered space for women, it is the only time I experience the hippy-dippy sensation of the Divine Feminine, moon goddess, persona that influencers like to promote. However, as a gender equity advocate, I think all gender expressions should have the opportunity to share their experiences and learn from each other so that we can better support people whom we might not identify with. 

What are some private gendered spaces you’ve experienced? Do you think they should be more welcoming and inclusive, or do you think there’s a greater benefit to keeping them exclusive?

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