Girling

Having been in a serious relationship for eighteen months, I’m an expert.

As some of you may know, I recently moved in with my partner. We’ve been dating for about a year and a half now and, while moving in together makes sense as the next step, it’s brought up a lot of questions for me about why moving in together is The Next Step in serious relationships. Of course, like most Next Steps in a relationship, moving in together is used as a sort of litmus test to see if your partner would make a suitable spouse. 

It can be hard to tell if your partner is someone you should move forward with, so luckily for you, dear reader, I’m here to provide a handy checklist of qualities to look for in determining if your partner has what it takes to make it to The Next Step in your relationship. 

Luckily for you, dear reader, I’m here to provide a handy checklist.

• A partner should be a good roommate. Despite having used all your money and energy trying to achieve the young adult milestone of Living Alone, now that you’re in a serious relationship, you should want to revert to having a roommate. Not only will this roommate be sharing your bathroom and kitchen, but they will also be sharing your bed. You are not allowed to nag them to clean, nor may you get into fights about whose turn it is to take out the trash because the ultimate goal has changed from total freedom to an eternal roommate. 

• A partner should be financially stable. Not only do they need a good, steady job; but they also need to have the financial literacy to have their retirement accounts, investments, and savings sorted. If you hope to combine your finances one day, best to ensure doing so will put you in a better position than you’re in now. If, like many young adults, they are a twenty-something making just enough to get by and still trying to figure out their career, you should also prioritize honing your fortune-telling skills. Particularly your fortune-making-and-keeping fortune-telling skills. 

• A partner should be someone you can see yourself having children with, if that’s something you want. Assuming you want kids, not only should your partner also want kids, but they should be a person you interpret as having the potential to be a good parent. This is very difficult to tell without having a child, of course, but nonetheless, you must determine if they will be a good parent (preferably before you have a child).

• A partner should be a great lover. They should meet your needs romantically and sexually. Your cup shall runneth over with life-changing, mind-melting, neighbor-yelling-at-you-through-the-wall sex. The smutty beach reads were right, and all fifty shades of your fantasies will be realized. No one will ever be “too tired” or “not in the mood.”

• A partner should be your best friend. All those friends you made in college? Not enough. Your partner should fulfill all your emotional needs; must be Your Person. It doesn’t matter that they are already trying to fill several other roles in your life nor does it matter that they have their own emotional baggage (and maybe even that baggage has to do with your relationship!), they must be your very best friend. 

• A partner should be perfect in every way. They should simultaneously be your whole world while not occupying your whole brain. They should be close with your friends while also having their own. They should anticipate your every need while also having opinions and needs of their own. They should want the same things as you while also having their own desires and allowing you to have your own as well. They should be Your Rock and Your Guiding Star while following your lead and supporting you whole-heartedly. They should be your everything and nothing all at once.

If you can check off each of these items, congratulations!

You’re officially lying to yourself and (probably) everyone else. 

As my partner and I have settled into living together, I’ve noticed a checklist of things I’ve been told I need to have in a partner forming in the back of my mind. Is he ticking every box? Should he be? Is there something wrong if he doesn’t? Of course, the above list is exaggerated and a bit ridiculous, but I think it is, to some extent, the “ideal.” I think there is a weird mentality floating around in the zeitgeist that insists you should be a Strong Independent Person whose partner is their everything. 

Of course, it’s natural to want a partner who will be a good roommate, financially stable, a good potential parent, a great lover, and your best friend. It would be amazing if your partner could fill every role to the fullest extent, but I think that’s a ton of pressure to put on both yourself and your partner.

That’s a ton of pressure to put on both yourself and your partner.

Plenty of people find partners who check each of these boxes to some degree, but I would bet most people and their partners supplement these roles with friends and family and, honestly, therapists. I think if your partner is at 75% or above, you’re doing great. Lean on the other folks in your life to fill in the gaps.

I think with each relationship, there is a degree of busca la forma, finding your way, figuring out what works for you. Personally, I’m still finding my way. I catch myself comparing my relationship to imaginary benchmarks and checklists all the time. (Should he like watching Bridget Jones’s Diary with me more??) But, when I write it all out, I think it might just all be bullshit. 

Let’s normalize letting other people in our lives fill in the gaps that our partners might not be able to fill. Maybe I call my sister to analyze the new Taylor Swift album instead of making my boyfriend pour over the lyrics with me. Maybe I accept that there will be times when I wish I could have the entire bed to myself. And maybe those things are perfectly fine. 

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